The CH3 Eye on TV: Glee!

Things have been a little slow here at the CH3 Entertainment desk, so we were intrigued when we received advance copies of the season finale of some show —-Glee!

Have you heard of this one?
Don’t feel bad, me either bub!

Apparently, it’s the story of a bunch of high school kids that are part of a Glee Club.
A Glee Club? What the fuck is that you axe?

You know, a choir……chorus—singing, ya got me? A Glee Club!
Hand me my raccoon coat and Yale flag, ol chum, because I have a feeling we’re in for a pip of a time with this one!

So anyway, this sitcom is about some misfit kids that get together and sing pop songs, and they have high school dramas and some people hate them, and then they win at the end.

Excuse me, but I would like to congratulate the fine folks in Development over at Fox, for their courage to apparently green light every piece of shit that comes across their desks these days!
Yeesh!

But far be it from me to bad mouth any show that shows popular music on television.
I hate to go back to my familiar, when I was a kid mantra, but…
When I was a kid, we didn’t have all these chances to see the music on TV!
Oh no.

Back in the day, it was a real treat to see rock and roll on the box!!

Which one's the cute moron and which one's the cynical wit? Remind me again!

You see all these interviews about future stars and that life changing moment: The Beatles on Ed Sullivan!

Pretty cool I guess, although I was more impressed by the little homosexual mouse that Ed had a strange pedio/beastial arrangement with!

....I'll be back later to tuck you in, if ya get my drift!

Oh, we had a lil bit of rockin TV on those measly seven channels available:

See kids? Before he was a lovable dope addled TV dad, Ozzy used to be someone!!

Midnight Special was pretty good too, although you had to sit through goddman Maria Muldaur or Captain and Tenille before they got to Alice Cooper lip-synching Cold Ethel!

But then again, you know you loved it—- all alone on a Friday night, watching Tenille and those lips just millimeters from a phallic mic as you dry-humped the couch, didn’t you ya, ya little perv!

mmm..that's it baby, I'm almost there!

Things got a little better, just before MTV came along and forever changed the way we saw music.
Perhaps the culmination was this inevitable meeting of the 2 most influential musical forces to a young and incubating CH3!!!:

It’s all changed now, of course.

We have 24 hour streaming crap fests of rap music videos, live performances of the Moody Blues on You Tube….. Pay per View of the Eagles shilling their dreaded comeback/farewell tour yet again.

And reality television?
Whoo boy, what the fuck did we ever do before this valuable glimpse at what Gene Simmons does with his spare time!

Gee, what about Eddie Money?
Go ahead and give him a show too, goddamnit, what the hell do I care any more?!

Hello. May I introduce you to an hour of your life you will never get back.

Sorry, what the hell were we talking about?

Right.
Glee.

Hey, here’s a good looking bunch, am I right?
……let’s see, we have the gay kid, the Oriental, the fat chick, the sassy sister and the quad.

What, no Down’s kids or crack whores were available at the time of filming?

Alright, we get it! Diversity, united colors, we’re all beautiful….blah blah…

I can’t wait til next season, when I hear they will be introducing two new exciting cast members: the spunky kid with leprosy and a young color blind hamas terrorist!

Oh, but wait til you hear this kid sing Billy Joel!

Ah, but clever writers, these lovable losers are more than they appear!

The geeks are the stars, the queers are the studs, Korean kids are bad at math but good at dancing!
And the kid in the wheelchair is….I shit you not…the MC wit the most skill, spittin mad sixteens like we ain’t heard since Bushwick Bill!

Yo....step off ma dick 'fore I cap yo ass!

Wheeee! Black is white, up is down, cats bitch slap dogs and make them co-sign bad loans….hold me, I’m seeing spots again!!

Don’t these people see the goddamn harm they’re doing to the social fabric?
Oh, they call these kids the outcasts, but they’re really the cool kids, don’t ya see?

Is this how you remember High School? Fuck No.

Without the cruel torture of High School, and its true social strata, where is the sweet revenge to be savored decades later?

The gay kid who goes on to own a whole apartment building in Belmont Shores, the Oriental geek from Math Club now owns the Bio Tech firm housed in those sleek black monoliths off the 405 in Irvine?
No More.

Apparently they’re now happy in High School!

...but I am beautiful inside. Agree or i will eat your fingers!

And the Fat Chick?

If she’s getting all this quality self esteem in High School, where will we ever get the next generation of fag hags and enthusiastic phone sex operators, hmmmm?
In a world where everyone is the cool kid, where is the enemy?

Oh, but the music!
Is that what ya said? The music?!

Listen, If I wanted to see some cut rate Babs and Andy Williams butcher Islands in the Stream, I’d go down to my local Tibbies Music Hall.
At least there I could have a drink and get a decent Sirloin out of the ordeal!

Try to act casual and look seventeen...action!

Gee, the singing, the dancing……. hey! Where the hell do these kids get the budget for these production numbers, huh?
Is that where my precious Lottery dollars are going, goddamnit?

...let's see, with the stunt casting and water effects, this little number cost the school district 45 grand. No big, we'll just pink slip a dozen teachers, k?

We had a brief hope that things would spark up when we caught a glimpse of one kid with an actual mohawk!
We were all but certain that the kids would next break into a heart warming rendition of GG Alin’s I Wanna Fuck the Shit Out of You…..!

Hey hey....now we're gettin somewhere!

But no.
Ol’ Mohican just looks mean, and then stares straight into lens and starts singin’ motherfuckin Journey!

Journey!

Is this what John Lennon came over here, sweating under klieg lights in Cuban heels, and was eventually killed for?
So that a bunch of whiny brats could introduce a new generation to crappy classic rock??

Oh yes.
See, after each episode, the kids flock to Itunes and download these mysterious melodies they’ve just heard.
And then, hey Dad, check out these cool songs I discovered on my program!

Congratulations. You open up the bank statement and discover junior has just purchased the entire Fleetwood Mac back catalogue.

Is this what’s really driving the show, hmmmm?

Why do I get the uneasy feeling this crapfest is really just a thinly disguised version of the ol Columbia House record club scam!

I now own Zep IV and a dozen Toys in the Attics......

Oh, you know–that was where you got to pick out 13 –13!–albums for just a penny each!! whooo !
But then, Gold help you, if you didn’t keep up with this boiler room operation and decline the next offering, you’d come home to discover Steely Dan’s Aja on your doorstep, and now you’re liable for that piece of shitand shipping—-!

Thank God, we have the always fine Jane Lynch playing Sue Sylvester, the only character we care about—because she’s saying what we’re thinking!!

Now this gentleman we can stand behind!

Yeah, they’re all Losers.
But guess what? We’re the Losers too, people, for watching this load!

Gimmee my dvd of Gummo, will ya, so I can wash the taste out of my mouth!!!

Ya don't sing, do ya kid? Good! Let's keep it that way....

*Watch Glee on Fox TV, Tuesday nights at 10!

The CH3 Eye on TV: Mad Men

Sheesh, and I thought AMC was only good for watching Outlaw Josey Wales for the goddamn 112th time whilst hungover and eatin Fritos……… but no.

Apparently, they’ve gotten a little frisky with the original programming at the basic cable movie channel.
First we had Breaking Bad, finally-finally!–a sympathetic look at Meth Labs and cookers!
This is a big hit out in the 909, apparently—

High five Bro! After the UFC we'll head over to Angels' Roadhouse and pick up some strippers!

But the crown jewel of the fledgling network, as evidenced by the trio of Best Drama Emmys and hipster cred, is
Mad Men!
Have ya seen this?

Oh, it’s set in the 1960′s Madison Avenue scene, and takes us into the workday and lifestyle of them ring a ding times.
But don’t go writing this show off as another boring day at Darrin Stevens’ office, brother!
Nah, now we finally get to see what happened at the ol agency behind closed doors!

Don't argue with me, you fuckin dinosaur! Let's finish the bottle and go bone the new secretary!

Drinkin, smokin, skirt chasing—–Goddamn, what a life they had!!!
Now we know what Ward Cleaver was doing all day, and why he was so goofy when he got home each evening!

Gee Pop...maybe you'd better take a bath before Mom gets home....your cock is smellin up the whole house!

This show makes us want to build a time machine.
A world where the drinkin starts at 10 am and the women are supposed to shaddap and keep the glasses filled?
Count us in!

See, in this sitcom, we follow the boozy path of Don Draper…..ooh, dreamy!

You're pathetic.....be more like me!

But things aren’t all sugar cubes in Don’s world—see, he’s deep, man! He likes to frown a lot, even while he’s loaded off his ass and screwing his latest victim from the typing pool.

Christ, lighten up already!
I mean, what’s he gotta be pissed off all the time?

......and this is the goofiest photo in his Facebook album!

Thank god he ditched his kooky wife Betty, played by January Jones, last season—- that bitch is a bundle of nerves just waiting for the boys at Pfizer to come up with Xanax…..
And he’s thankfully got a few years before his mess of a daughter starts dropping acid and fucking Black Panthers, so why not live it up a little goddamnit?

What say we stay overnight in the city, Donny? Looks like a barrel of laughs back home!

Besides the precious looks at postwar advertising, we have the usual intertwined storylines goin on here: Don wants his Mommy, Don hates the latest campaign, Don fucks the cleaning lady and then destroys her with his icy hungover demeanor blah blah blah………….
There’s even been a few location shots out to California to shake things up. It’s mainly to get Don out of his tie and show him driving around L.A. in a convertible, but it’s quite charming, really.

Apparently, back then all of Los Angeles looked like modern-day Signal Hill, and the Manson family was innocently spreading syphilis amongst themselves at Spahn Ranch…good times!

But it’s back to the office that we all wanna get to, mainly just to watch Joan walk around the office and flutter those eyelashes—Ha cha cha!

This is a role that must’ve been written by the boys around the conference table, each recalling their nights dry humping the living room floor while watching Ginger skank around Gilligan’s Island!

And this is all we had before internet porn, you spoiled bastards!

And the styles! Oh baby, if we could only pull off the slim-fit grey suits and fedoras we’d be happy bubs!

— –oh sure, we like to play dress up now and then too, but we can’t quite pull off that ironic, hey, we may be careless punkers but we’re still wearing a tie look.

No, we tie the Windsor knots only to end up looking less like Billie Joe and more like insurance salesmen or Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Excuse us Ma'am, may we come in and discuss the good word of the Lord? Hello?!

And with the drinking and womanizing, there is smoking—-oh yes, smoking, smoking, motherfuckin SMOKING!
Christ, the world must’ve smelled like an Indian casino back then, the way these clowns light up whenever they have a tick.

Filling in this Dave Brubeck album cover, ya got all the usual stereotypes of the day:

Kiss ass frat boy Pete Campbell, repressed gay Greek Sal, some guy who looks like a member of Deathcab for Cutie who mopes around the office all day—they’re all here!

...we're headlining Coachella this year....hope I don't cry!

But our favorite here at the CH3 offices has to be wild man Roger Sterling!

Thank you! Finally, someone's havin a good time around here!

Listen, this guy really knows how to swing, and excuse me? was I hallucinating or did I tune in to catch ol Rog in blackface last season??!
Wadda nut!

...and becomes an immediate favorite with the fellas on Main St Huntington!

So what’ve we learned here today, hmm?
That the advertising business is run by a bunch of ruthless alcoholics who will soon become the muttering old men at the end of the bar? Shocking!

Listen, I know it’s only a TV show, but by God, wouldn’t it be great?
I mean, to have a gig where you start drinking at mid day, and hang the around the office with a bunch of other immature men-children.
Your only responsibility between a three martini lunch and Happy Hour to write a bunch of meaningless crap………oh. Right.

Never mind.

*Watch Mad Men on the AMC television network, Sundays 8pm PST

The CH3 Eye on TV: LOST

So there we are, Monday evening at the stoic CH3 training camp located high in the San Bernardino mountains. A few shows coming up ya know, so gotta get back in shape in the usual manner–namely, doing the Greased Lightning number from Grease in front of the full length mirror. Hey-works for us!!

Uh huh Uh huh...I Got a Gun!

Well Sir, Alf suddenly stopped the music and refused to practice any longer. Seems his program was ready to start: that’s right– LOST!

Have you heard of this show? Yeah, me either…..

But in a nutshell it’s about a fine group of people that crash their helicopter on a deserted island. Sounds boring, I know. But get this–these people have back stories, ya dig? So each week we get to fill in their past lives, while following them through the jungle.
Now, I’m no Gene Shalit, but I predict ABC has a winner on their hands with this sitcom!!!!

And then to make things even nuttier, these people start to encounter other people on the island, even settlements and all sorts of technological marvels–and time travel! Oh yes-Did I mention the time travel??

Hold me, I’m starting to hear the circus music in my head again!!!!

Wha wha? But how did they...But I thought that..? Oh I just can't keep up with this show!!

But forget the setting and plot twists, brother! As with all good shows it’s all about the characters, and did they put together a stellar cast!!

L-R: Adam Sandler, the retard asian guy from Sopranos, Kate Beckinsale, Apu and Rivers Cuomo....

…and what? At the 48:05:001 minute mark of last night’s episode, Look at the sweet stunt casting/product placement!

Anchoring the cast is the always fine Terry O’Quinn, doing his best with the goopy dialogue….

mmm....am I off the show now or not? I got an offer from CSI Chino Hills on the table ya know!

And whoo, does he play the crotchety/lovable old guy character to the hilt, people!
What, Gerald McRaney wasn’t available?
Still waiting by the phone for his John From Cincinatti walk on?

.....um, yeah-but we got to say cocksucker on HBO!

Much has been made about the diversity of the cast, and we here at the CH3 Asian Anti-Defamation chapter heartily applaud ABC’s use of not one, but three coolies in this show!!

My car? A 2002 Honda Civic with 98 grand in modifications...why do you ask?

Hear hear! It’s about time we’re starting to see some finely drawn Asian characters on the major networks! We’ve come a long way, baby!

Oh, you got some Arab terrorist in there too, as well as the 2 hunky crackers that look like part of Keith Urban’s backing band….but give me my glasses, will ya, because I didn’t see any brothas representin’ on the island.

In fact, the only black charcter was a cloud of smoke!!

And wait a minute….this all-powerful spirit, embodied in cloud, where have I seen this stunt before?
Apparently they just couldn’t get enough of this plot device, last seen in the 1994 miniseries The Stand….

...m-o-o-n spells ripoff!

But our favorite character has to be the jolly jolly fat man, Hurley, played by Jorge Garcia….
Talk about casting to your audience! This guy looks like he’s been to ComicCon, yes??

According to Wikipedia, he played bass in Poison Idea 1998-2001....

Anyway, in episode one, we catch up with our heroes after some bomb went off down in the well, and there’s apparently some confusion as the time has changed, people are missing, there’s two of other people, a little boy wishes people into the cornfield….

OK, I'll explain it one last time...we're here, but we're also there, but we're not really....ah fuck it, let's have a drink!

Sheesh, enough with the plot twists, already! It’s no wonder Jersey Shore is kicking their ass in the ratings! Who wants to work this hard watching TV???

We get drunk, we fight, we hook up...what's the big whoop?

Jesus Christ, it’s as like trying to follow the Adolescents’ history, and at least they give us a goddamn map:

Look closely and you'll find Mike Love in there for a short time early 90's!

I guess anything goes when it comes to plot twists, am I right? In fact, we got the inside scoop on next week’s show, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the new character that is introduced as he suddenly appears from the mysterious jungle…..

What yer hearing is the sound of a thousand fanboys cumming....

Watch Lost on the ABC televison network, 9pm Mondays

The CH3 Eye on TV: True Blood

We were all thrilled here at the CH3 entertainment offices when the advance copies of HBO’s True Blood Sunday Finale arrived via DHL. Oh sure, we’re usually more interested in the more cerebral offerings of subscription cable, and haven’t really been tuning into the the Big H since they totally screwed up with the Sopranos finale….

Really? Journey? Hey, thanks for the fuckin ear worm, Chase!

Hey sue us! This is scary good fun for the whole family.
See, in this sitcom, vampires are out in the real world and trying to get along with the rest of us! Kinda like Will and Grace, when you think about it….
But oh man, hilarious hijinks ensue when the locals start mixing with the vampires, people start getting killed, regular people start drinking vampire blood—whooo boy!

All they need is Don Knotts and Tim Conway as the local law and they’d be onto Television Gold!

...well if you didn't sneeze, I didn't sneeze...gaaaa! L-L-let's get outta here!!

In this, the second season of True Blood, the sleepy redneck town of Bon Temps has been cursed by the evil Maenad, some kind of crazy beast that eats raw meat and gives everyone these real cool Marilyn Manson contacts so they can have non stop sex and parties.
Alf asks: where do I sign up??

The evil presence is played by some Dom bitch that was on thirty-something or a Summer’s Eve commercial, I know I’ve seen her somewhere before——but on here–evil!

Dionysius commands you to stay morning fresh all day long!!!!

I’ll tell you what, this cougar looks like she’s having a grand time chewing on the scenery. In fact, I have to keep reminding myself that this is actually on broadcast television, the acting is so deliciously bad! They tell me Anna Paquin, who plays main character Sookie Stackhouse, actually won an Oscar when she was just a kid for the Piano! Lemmee guess–she didn’t try a Southern accent in that one, am I right?

Shoulda quit while you were ahead, kid!

Meanwhile-meanwhile!- our boy Keitel goes commando in that and Bad Lieutenant and gets zilch?!! I hereby turn in my Academy card– good day sir!

Nudity and crack smokin? That's what we call acting!!!

Anyhoo, in an effort to save the town from turning into some Norwegian Black Metal festival, (though believe me, Brother-that would be an improvement over this hick hole!), the Vampires go rescue other Vampires and the hicks go rescue other hicks, all the while wondering “What are we gonna do, Bill?? What are we gonna DO?!?!”

Christ, I haven’t seen this much over the top emoting since the Dino and Lewis reunion on the ’76 MDA telethon…

Just hug me, ya fuckin greaseball-- Frank's watching!!

Our girl Sookie is in love with Bill, a Civil War era vamp. But get this–Bill’s a good vampire!! He prefers not to drink Human blood any more, and tries to get all the vampires and humans to just get along, and gee, wouldn’t it be nice if……..snnnnore!

Listen, If I wanted to watch a blood sucking monster with a conscience I’d be watching Oprah *rimshot* zing-Hey0!!!

Pussy

If some hot Vampire-Lesbo action ever broke out between Sookie and that one Ginger babe, you just know ol Wet Blanket Bill would put a stop to that!

Sookah! Give her back her panties and come watch Huel Howser with me!

Sheesh–but don’t worry– it’s over on the other side of town where all the cool kids hang out, a Vampire nightclub called Fangtasia!!! FANG-tasia, do you get it?!

This is a seedy, yet oddly familiar nightclub where all sorts of otherwordly beasts gather to worship the night and drink exotic potions that make them lose their minds….

Mein Gott!!! Back to Hell, wretched Beasts!!!

This place is run by Erik—meow!! Now you’re talkin Vampire! This guy cheats, steals, kills–that’s how we like our Vampires, am I right?

Come to me, Children of the Night..I hid a bottle of Jager in Alex's office!!

Anyways, in the thrilling Sunday finale, the vampire bad asses team up with the local yokels and chase off the hot party broad. Booo!
But then, local folk Tara and her cousin Lafayette are gruesomely killed, when Tara’s Mom Lettie Mae comes to embody the Dark Lord and rips out their hearts-Shocking!

Now what tha fuck is HBO gonna do with us? Put us with Larry David?

*SPOILER ALERT* Don’t read the preceeding statement if you…oh, right.
Shit-sorry about that.